First some appropriate music.
As many of you might understand I have always had and still have a privileged life. I am neither very stupid nor very lazy, I have always been in good health, I have never had any addictions and I make a living from what others would call mere hobbies; writing books about mythology, making music and soon even from designing a game. I have a beautiful and intelligent wife, and we have three (and soon four) beautiful and intelligent children. I also have a beautiful and intelligent daughter from my pre-prison life. I live in the countryside, and I am surrounded by friendly faces, I breathe fresh air every day and spend most of my time with my family. If I want to take a walk in the forest I only need to cross the street, and I am there…
As many of you might understand I have always also had a rather turbulent life. I am neither very coward not very good at keeping my mouth shut when many think I should, I have always been lucky enough to win most of my fights (something that has always just provoked more fights, ad infinitum) and I always clash with unjust authorities, I have spent some time behind bars and was convicted for a “murder” that by any standards should be classified as an act of self-defense. I have many enemies and most of them want to harm me, I am always ready to defend myself and spend much of my time taking precautions. Whatever I do I am always ready for anything.
Yes; almost like that….
For all my life I have lived in fear; in kindergarten, in elementary school, in junior high school, in technical school, in prison, and even after prison. I was always in conflict with someone, and when a bit older often with great risk to my health, and at a later stage even to my life. I always came out on top when it mattered, but the threat always remained. Winning a fight was never really a victory; it only meant that the next fight would be tougher to win. And tougher. And tougher. The losers would always come back, reinforced, in higher numbers or with a bigger ally. Losing a fight could in a sense be better; at least that would possibly be the end of it.
Fear is as we all know a very uncomfortable feeling; the dry mouth, the weakness in the legs, the shaking hands and the wish to just get out of there. The conflict between your own fear and your pride, your own fear and your will to win no matter what, your own fear of physical harm and your fear of dishonour, matters to so much in life. Fear is actually just a survival instinct, but not one we often appreciates.
At one point in life I realized that I no longer care about fear. I still know fear, I still understand the danger I some times expose myself to, but I just don’t seem to care about this. All I think about is how I shall without any consideration for my own safety deal with any and all dangerous situations I end up in. If my family is there; to protect them. If my family is not there; to protect our honour and to be a good role model for my children. I also know that if one of my children falls e. g. into a freezing stream and faces certain death, I will jump after him or her, and do my best to save the child, even though I know both of us will die. Not doing so is impossible; I will be terrified when I do this, but… I don’t care. There is some sort of override option in my brain that is now available, because I am a father. To allow a child to die without me doing my best to save it is out of the question. This is the most important duty any father has; to try your best at any cost, and to be a good role model for your children.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I don’t think I am any special. This is what having children does to a man. This is what having children does I am pretty sure to all real men. Nature has spoken: your future has been secured, i. e. your DNA will survive, you have already won the game of life, so now you don’t have to worry any more about whether or not you yourself suffer damage or even die. Death is only a new beginning and an opportunity to gain glory! Hail Death; the evening of life! Hail Death; the remover of all bad and the preserver of all good! Hail Death and Glory! HailaR WôðanaR!
